Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 20: Judge Dredd Vs Judge Judy
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: Judge Joseph Dredd battles Judge Judith Sheindlin, with some surprise guest appearances along the way, in an ultimate contest of lawfulness. Who will be judged the greatest bringer of order? See the video here: /watch?v miAg2le47qk


**VIDEO HERE: watch?v=miAg2le47qk**

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**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

**JUDGE DREDD…**

**…VS…**

**…JUDGE JUDY!**

**BEGIN!**

**Judge Dredd:**

Dredd to control: I've got a Jimp on Shukoff Block;

Gonna give this dinosaur a major case of Future Shock.

Welcome to the grim darkness of the twenty–second century:

Mega–City One; let me be your directory.

Drokk Wapner and Brown; name's Judge Joe Dredd,

A six–shooter in my hand, and helmet firm on my head.

A chip right off the old genes of the Father of Justice;

If Judge Cal is Caligula, call me Augustus!

I'm mean like Mean Machine on the streets; you're on the boob tube,

Yelling the kind of brats I throw in the Juve Cubes.

Underworked and overpaid, for one day a week;

I'm serving 24/7, sans ten minutes' for sleep.

Judge, jury, executioner, and one hard bargainer;

Does Thel 'Vadam disservice just to call you an "Arbiter".

Ask Bobby Fuller what happens when you fight the law;

I'll send you face–planting harder than I did Ma-Ma.

**Judge Judy:**

You're in my playpen; don't sell me short.

I'm many things, Mr. Dredd, but I am _God_ in this court.

Tell 'em, Byrd:

**Bailiff Byrd:** All rise for the Council of One.

**Judge Judy:** When it comes to seeing justice served, I'm second to none!

You're outrageous person who's outrageously dressed,

And couldn't beat me on my worst day on the day when he's best.

Fifteen years boot camp, but I can't be impressed,

When you still don't understand _due freaking process_!

Can't oppress me with your wack fascist tactics;

I'm a lady of the law, and know damn well what I practice.

No–nonsense magistrate who likes to keep hearings brief;

Adjudicating cases fast like dumbass handbag thieves.

My show rakes in the dough like Fatties take in calories;

Beat your whole box office gross with just my one–year salary.

Scolding morons, jerks and scammers in a duly firm manner;

Need no gavel, got my mouth: call me Judy Sternhammer!

Don't need Psi–Division powers to tell what's in your mind,

And know that you give new meaning to justice being blind.

My words will rear their ugly faces up from under your nose,

Like the behind–the–scenes antics of your "Mayor Ambrose"!

I'm going prosecutor mode, and you're the defendant.

Anderson can't help you now, nor can the Sixth Amendment,

'Cause if we're playing by your rules, you don't get a fair trial.

Your sentence is the Long Walk; death by exile!

**Judge Dredd:**

I _knew_ you'd say that from the start of this fight;

All I had to do was check your "What Would Judy Say?" site.

Think you're such a Hot Shot? I'll make your whole set shake;

High–Ex lines to hit you like a Cursed Earthquake!

That so–called "law" degree you have on you is a joke;

Spend one day at the Academy, you'll have a mini–stroke.

I'll take you on at any time, in any block or sector;

Watch me make your Byrdie squawk with my Birdie lie detector.

I fight zombies, aliens and even Death himself;

Don't give a motherdrokking stomm about your gruddamn wealth!

Trying to beat me's like democracy: unworkably flawed.

You're a watered–down mockery; _I AM THE LAW_!

**Inspector Javert:**

_AND I'M JAVERT_! I protest these boasts of thine;

Think your jurisprudences are up to snuff with mine?

This I swear by the stars: I'll make the both of you see,

That you could only dream a dream of being as lawful as me!

I'm an obstinate gaoler of miserable criminals;

An O.G. M.C. at the professional pinnacle.

Through rain and snow and mud, I'll chase you down wherever you go,

'Til you wet yourselves with blood, and I'm the Victor, like Hugo!

Born down in the gutter with the abaissés;

Undercover with the Friends of the ABC.

Know my law to the letter like my ABCs,

For I'm a warrior of justice like the ABCs!

Steal a loaf of bread? Twelve years a slave; zero pity!

You're a Dead Man, Dredd: move it down to Undercity!

Judy, do yourself a favor and avoid this confrontation;

You'll be standing in your grave on lifelong probation!

**Judge Judy:**

When will your kind learn to shut it when I'm speaking?!

You, sir, are a moron, and you've got my anger peaking.

I don't care if you think you're some divine law–master;

An inspector like you couldn't even find the Pink Panther!

**Judge Dredd:**

Diplomatically, I must agree with my opponent;

There's strict and then there's stupid, and your code, I can't condone it.

**Judge Judy:**

If a man's served his sentence, then there comes a time for mercy!

**Judge Dredd:**

Even I know what reform is; just look what I did for Fergee.

Hounding one man for years over one minor offense?

That's not betraying the law; it's betraying common sense!

My rhymes are wasted on you, so gaze into my fist!

**Judge Judy:**

Yes, you're not worth our time, and so your case is dismissed!

**Inspector Javert:**

Sacrebleu! This does not compute;

I came to challenge these two, but they give Javert the boot,

Both united in denouncement of my means of law–pursuit.

Seems at the end of the day, my efforts all have been moot!

I see the error now in the principles by which I have lived,

Yet the stubbornness remains, such that myself I can't forgive,

So now there's nowhere I can turn; there is no place I can hide.

There is no way to go on; this is the day the law died!

_(*Jumps off a bridge to his death with dramatic musical accompaniment and explodes for no reason when he hits the water*)_

**WHO WON? WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE WE CAN CALL THIS OUR FIRST OFFICIAL TIE!**

**WHO'S NE–**

**Judge Judy:**

_OVERRULED_!

We may have teamed up so that loser'd finish dead–third,

But it ain't over 'til the gorgeous lady has the last word!

Think brute strength and hardware mean a damn in legal debate?

I'll outpoll you worse than your own city's unemployment rate.

Yeah, so much for your "authority", policing that freakshow;

Couldn't _be_ much worse off, even under Big Brother Rico.

Don't you fart in my face and tell me it's the Big Smelly!

I've been in this business forty years; I dominate the telly.

Negotiation's over, Joe; I'm smarter, wiser, older,

And you've less to underpin your boasts than for your golden shoulders.

I'm the court authoritarian; the whole nation knows!

Call me Conan, you barbarian, 'cause this case is closed.

**Judge Dredd:**

Keep the cameras on and hold the dancing lobsters;

I'll send you to the Pit, watch you sell out to the mobsters,

Then arrest you for corruption, strip your stupid legal license,

And hand you a Big Ticket good for twenty years on Titan!

You're no older than me, Sheindlin; a far cry from wiser.

You're a narcissistic, childish tyrant like Owen Krysler!

Get what Dredd said cemented in your head, because he meant it:

What you vent can't put a dent in what my daddy invented.

_And what exactly is it that your father "invented"?_

**Judge Dredd:** Why, the Law, of course! I AM THE LAW! See, it's a pun, because my clone–father invented the law I embody, and being my father, he also obviously– wait, who the drokk is this?

**King Hammurabi:**

Quit babbling and prime up for a history lesson;

King of Babylon presiding, court is now in session.

Meet you word–for–word, eye–for–eye, ditto tooth;

Steal this battle like a snake on your elixir of youth!

I'm the Ur–Example; the original lawgiver.

Best believe my flow is ample; I rule the land of rivers.

MC Hammurabi's Code, rule eighty–six:

When Iraq the microphone, there can be no touching this!

I eat two–shekel mushke–noobs like you for lunch,

Laying down the law, and beating God to the punch!

My code cuts zero slack, and my raps are true to form;

Hard with lyrical attacks, 'cause they're set in cuneiform!

Ask Mari: you'll be sorry if I don't get your vote;

I'll Throw you in the Tigris, and I won't let you float.

Not a mutant in the slightest; my city's not damned,

But I'll have your hides blinded, let you wander the sands.

When I build my empire, I'm a kinsman, a healer,

But when it's judgment time, I'm a trial–by–ordeal–er.

Wanna spit fire too; learn my ancient tricks?

Here's a burning–hot spoon; come and give it a lick.

It's unfair and barbaric, but it's also progress;

Now they verify my merit up in U.S. Congress!

I'll disinherit you like my weak–ass successors;

Court dismissed with prejudice for every last transgressor!

**WHO WON?**

**WHO'S NEXT?**

**I DECIDE!**

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**


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